All right, well, here we go. Before I get into this I’ll just give a general warning about stuff. I don’t think I’m gonna go dark but some stuff might get kinda heavy? I dunno, as I write this I still haven’t fully decided what I want to cover. Maybe after this musical interlude and cat photo for some separation.
I’m not even sure where to begin with all this. I can’t deny that there’s a large part of me that doesn’t want to get into this at all. I have a really hard time being open about my issues. After all there is a reason this is being posted on a personal blog instead of the Testimonials channel on the Discord.
For the most part I’m not going to go into a lot of details (Primarily to keep this somewhat short, as I’ve said I’ve spent far too much time trying to get this written out.) but 2024 has been far from the best of years. I won’t hyperbole that it’s been the worst but by God there’s been far more stress than I’ve needed between work and home. Little things that keep building up and I rarely feel like I have a moment where I can really decompress.
It doesn’t that due to working odd hours I don’t really get a chance to get out of the house to decompress. Indeed, barring past Limit Breaks I think the last time I got out was for The Super Mario Bros Movie? (Not saying I haven’t been out of the house at all since then but for anything that wasn’t some sort of errand I can’t recall.)
Nor is it helping that it feels like a struggle to get anything personal done. Like I’ve said I’ve been working on this for a while. Something that might end up breaking two thousands words and it’s taken me over a week to complete it.
This has even bled over into my speedrunning. For some reason picking up Sky the 3rd was incredibly hard; despite that we had long decided it was going to be our next co-op game I didn’t start practicing until… late January? (Okay, we weren’t joking when we said that the route was constantly evolving but that’s not really an excuse for picking it up so late.) Even then that’s fed into other issues.
When it comes to speedrunning I feel like I’m pretty dang mediocre. I can generally execute the stuff but I’m not all that great. I can’t describe the amount of stress I put myself under when I barely clinched the estimate time on my submission video for Sky the 3rd and worried about getting us rejected because I’m a whole half hour slower than everyone else. It’s not that there wasn’t still room for improvement but by God that surely fueled some other stuff.
I constantly struggle with whether or not I’m… good enough. Compared to others I can’t help but wonder if I really belong anywhere near that stage. Not only that but I’m constantly surprised that I keep getting accepted for hosting when I shouldn’t be allowed near any sort of microphone.
Now I can hear y’all out there thinking “Oh come on, there were good people vetting all this. Of course they think you’re good enough to be out there.” and while you may be right I can’t help but hear that little nagging voice sometimes. (I do wanna be clear real quick just in case. No one likely reading this has ever done or said anything to make me feel this way. I am just incredibly self-critical if I let my brain run away.)
God, my brain sure can be annoying, can’t it? I think, to a point, I’m gonna end this blog here. Like I said it’s hard for me to share things like this. I often feel like my issues are nothing compared to others (And on odd occasions I won’t deny that some issues are silly) and more often than not I’m used to just bottling things up because I’m used to having no one willing to actually listen.
Yeah, a bit weird to be flinging out into the void. If you’ve managed to read this far don’t feel like you’re obligated to do anything. Just know that I appreciate y’all even if I’m not that close with a lot of you. I’ll still be around on the Discord making the cheesiest jokes known to humankind. To close this off I’ll leave y’all with one of my favorite songs.
Thanks for reading.