So remember back at the beginning where I said Limit Break was an unusual experience but a good time? While I did truly have a good time there was something that still dogged at me.
Do I belong here?
Now before I go any farther I want to make it absolutely clear that absolutely no one did anything to invoke this in me. What I’m about to get into are my own demons that have plagued me… well… forever.
Do I belong here? While I’m certain that anyone who bothers to read this would scream yes at me I can’t deny that it still claws at me. There were times, even among friends, where suddenly I felt out of place, like I was a stranger invading a foreign land where I have no business to be. It doesn’t help that the only reason I’m at Limit Break at all is a series of coincidences.
Often I struggle with feelings of loneliness and disconnection. Even among people there are times where I just feel like I’m completely alone. Too often I can be among people I know, people who know me and still feel out of place. This isn’t something that’s just at Limit Break. This is… everywhere. I feel out of place at work. I feel out of place at home. Sometimes just everywhere.
It doesn’t help that for the most part people don’t seem to think about me. Sure, when we’re physically together it’s one thing but when I’m out of sight? Out of mind as well. That might be a bit unfair but I can’t recall the last time someone contacted me out of nowhere just to bullshit. A friendly call, a DM on Discord. Multiple times where I see friends holding events and not even a hint of an invite.
No doubt that to a point I’m whining. No one is obligated to do any of those things. At this point, frankly, I’m used to it. It probably doesn’t help that I often feel like I deserve this. I harbor a lot of guilt over things I’ve done years ago, decades ago. As much as I’m aware that it’s ridiculously unhealthy I still can’t bring myself to let it go and so I tell myself my loneliness is punishment for my sins because I can’t be forgiven for the things I’ve done.
There was a time when I thought I was going somewhere with this but now I’m not so sure so I think I’ll just end this post about here. I’m not wholly sure why I’m attaching all this to a post regarding a video game marathon. There’s a part of me that just wants to delete this whole page because it’s easier to keep all this to myself. I don’t talk about my issues often.
I can’t deny that I’m feeling incredibly anxious about posting this at all. I’m not sure why I wrote this up to where people can read at all. I don’t really want any attention over this or anyone feel like they should do something to help me out. I can’t tell you how many times over the past few days I’ve been drawing this up in my head I’ve near had a panic attack because I’m legit worried about being emotionally manipulative. I guess I’ll just post it and whatever happens happens.
But let me try to end this somewhat positively. For those of you who did interact with me at Limit Break that was a real part of me. Yeah, a heavy darkness hangs over me and I won’t lie that sometimes it’s real hard to deal with. But I’m still here. I’m still gonna be around and Discord and Fates willing I’m still gonna come back next year. I’m trying to change things for the better but it’s going to be a long adventure. Until then have a kitten for making it through this.
